Freedom

I thinnk its amazing that in a matter of hours my life had a complete turn around.
Last night at youth group, I experienced something so real so true and so genuine.
God let me experience the wonderful feeling of being emersed in his presence.
I have wanted to feel something for song long. Last night I cried and had a reason, and smiled and had a reason. We sang a song that said im gonna love a little deeper than before, and I am. God is my only happiness and is all the happiness I need. I know that its going to get tens times harder now that Ive experienced this, but I refuse to be bitter and I refuse to let my past control me. I thank God so much for letting me feel something, and feel what I needed to; an overflowing of love and grace.
My uncle said a phrase that totally hit home to me. Insecurity leads to jealousy which leads to contentment, which eventually leads to hatred and being bitter. My whole problem led to my insecurities, and if I can get rid of my insecurities I'd be alot better off!
I wish everyone around me could understand this. My goal right now is to make everyone ask why im so happy... If people could understand the capacity of grace their lifes would never be the same. Stop looking at the hypocricy in the church, but look at the reason why you go to church. People are just that people. God is higher than all that. He loves the hypocrite just as much as he loves someone completely devoted to him. God got dirty because we're dirty (that was such a good word last night!) He gave his life for the hypocrites. He gave his life for people like me that were major hypocrites. Its more than believing its doing. My God is still on the throne and he is still the same yesterday, today, and forever. He is the same God I encountered when I was little as he was last night. THrough everything he has been there. Waiting patiently, and he would have continued to wait, cause im important and special to him; no matter what my sin. I can't say enough I wish everyone could get this. I'm not saying that from today on im going to be the perfect example of a Christian, what I am saying is that Im going to learn to experience and take God's grace and trust in him to deal with my issues.

Just another day.

Just another day to wake up and find youre still not here
and the reality of it being just another day- was my biggest fear.
It hurts me that today i wont even cross your mind
and the memories of that night youve just left behind.

As hard as I try ill never forget that night
i fell in love at first touch not first sight
the moment your lips touched mine i knew
i was hypmotized by every part of you.

How could something so important to me mean nothing to you
maybe i should go on with m life and follow what you do.
Ignore all the feelings i have- become a rock that doesn't feel
act like we never loved at all and that what happened wasn't real.

As hard as I try ill never forget that night
i fell in love at first touch not first sight
the moment your lips touched mine i knew
i was hypotized by every part of you.

______________________________

Today is just a day and I guess thats okay.
I don't know why I expected it to be more,
I don't know why I expected for a miracle to happen.
I guess its only something I remember and to anyone else it means nothing....
I'm suprisingly okay.
Today is just another day.

backpeddling.

I stayed home from school today sick :/ Im ridiculously congested and after smacking my head and NOSE on a wall this morning walking in the dark and throwing up right after I decided maybe I should take the day off. So I watched a 90's movie called Down to You with Julia Stiles and swear 90's movies are terrible. I really want to clean my room and re organize but i know half way through ill get bored and just quit and itll be messier than it was before....
I want a good book to read and think I may re read an old one by Nicholas Sparks that I liked. I really want to read eclipse but i can't get my hands on a copy and im too cheap to buy it, i wasted my money on stuff for the party on saturday, but it was well worth it :) I really want to be 18 so i can get one of my vices ha.
So im almost positive tomorrow is going to suck. I don't want it to suck but I also just don't want it to be just another day. I'd rather it be horrible then just another day.
I haven't had a diet pepsi all day and its killing me... but im too lazy to take a shower and get ready to go out and get one, plus 1.50 adds up lol
I want someone to come randomly see me and eat icecream with me :)
Half Bake Ben and Jerry's my favorite.
I really need to get on finding a job....bad.
I'm ready for May and snowcones and graduation and moving so bad.
I'm having terrible mood swings.
Still haven't felt anything,
and yesterday a friend told me... if youre searching to feel what you felt youre never gonna get it don't dissapoint your self, after some more of that conversation , he said that feeling is going to be real to you again only ten times better if you just wait.
I am NOT a patient person, and im almost happy if I just get the artificial feeling, even though I know I shouldn't... bleh im a mess.
I know how to fix the problem just can't stick to it.
Went a month strong and now im backpeddling.

not always the case.

So im sick of having a format for my blogging lol so im just winging it.
Im in this constant state of emotionlessness (if thats a word) for the past few days....
It like im crying just to cry, laughing just to laugh, smiling just to smile, and I don't think I mean any of it. I don't feel the satisfaction of being "good" but the thrill of being "bad" is gone to. Everyone in my life just seems to exist and no one really means anything to me, however at the same time I am so blessed with the people around me. I had a feeling this month was going to be hard, and in trying to fight it by being happy i feel like im ignoring what I really feel and by ignoring the emotions it makes it almost worse. I wish I could help people, give my life meaning. So people can be happy I exist, I want to know that people appreciate things I do. I guess thats it I feel unappreciated. Maybe thats it. I just really can't wait to move. I loved it in Missouri and since i've been back everything seems bad. I wish I could say everything I wanted to. I'm also making an observation that when im stressed or something my allergies are worse and my body kind of shuts down. I want to be busy, but nothing is filling my time. This time last year everything in my life was perfect. I thought I had the world in my hands. Its funny how one year can change things. It all started this week the change of my life. This week last year if erased could have prevented everything. I wonder if it would be any better without that in my past, or would it have been something else. I miss the good things. I remember when the good things out weighed the bad. But now its hard to even remember the good things. Everytime I overcome this issue, something happens that brings it all back. I know im better than this. Happy on the exterior isn't always the truth.