The additions :)

THESE ARE THE ADDITIONS :)

Hannah Montana movie was suppppper good :)

and the love interest Travis Brody... nnufffff said!!!

I have sufficiently gained 7 pounds this week by eating ruffles and onion dip no lie!

:)

Ive totally been avoiding my homework all week even though ive had nothing but time so IES is going to become my friend tomorrow...

ha PEACE :)

My life lately :)

Bottom line:

Im car-less

I have a couple good friends :)

I have a vice

I like to take pictures

Nick Pitera is akwardly addicting.

Writing music is kinda my thing.

Im involved with everything gossip online.

Freedom

I thinnk its amazing that in a matter of hours my life had a complete turn around.
Last night at youth group, I experienced something so real so true and so genuine.
God let me experience the wonderful feeling of being emersed in his presence.
I have wanted to feel something for song long. Last night I cried and had a reason, and smiled and had a reason. We sang a song that said im gonna love a little deeper than before, and I am. God is my only happiness and is all the happiness I need. I know that its going to get tens times harder now that Ive experienced this, but I refuse to be bitter and I refuse to let my past control me. I thank God so much for letting me feel something, and feel what I needed to; an overflowing of love and grace.
My uncle said a phrase that totally hit home to me. Insecurity leads to jealousy which leads to contentment, which eventually leads to hatred and being bitter. My whole problem led to my insecurities, and if I can get rid of my insecurities I'd be alot better off!
I wish everyone around me could understand this. My goal right now is to make everyone ask why im so happy... If people could understand the capacity of grace their lifes would never be the same. Stop looking at the hypocricy in the church, but look at the reason why you go to church. People are just that people. God is higher than all that. He loves the hypocrite just as much as he loves someone completely devoted to him. God got dirty because we're dirty (that was such a good word last night!) He gave his life for the hypocrites. He gave his life for people like me that were major hypocrites. Its more than believing its doing. My God is still on the throne and he is still the same yesterday, today, and forever. He is the same God I encountered when I was little as he was last night. THrough everything he has been there. Waiting patiently, and he would have continued to wait, cause im important and special to him; no matter what my sin. I can't say enough I wish everyone could get this. I'm not saying that from today on im going to be the perfect example of a Christian, what I am saying is that Im going to learn to experience and take God's grace and trust in him to deal with my issues.

Just another day.

Just another day to wake up and find youre still not here
and the reality of it being just another day- was my biggest fear.
It hurts me that today i wont even cross your mind
and the memories of that night youve just left behind.

As hard as I try ill never forget that night
i fell in love at first touch not first sight
the moment your lips touched mine i knew
i was hypmotized by every part of you.

How could something so important to me mean nothing to you
maybe i should go on with m life and follow what you do.
Ignore all the feelings i have- become a rock that doesn't feel
act like we never loved at all and that what happened wasn't real.

As hard as I try ill never forget that night
i fell in love at first touch not first sight
the moment your lips touched mine i knew
i was hypotized by every part of you.

______________________________

Today is just a day and I guess thats okay.
I don't know why I expected it to be more,
I don't know why I expected for a miracle to happen.
I guess its only something I remember and to anyone else it means nothing....
I'm suprisingly okay.
Today is just another day.

backpeddling.

I stayed home from school today sick :/ Im ridiculously congested and after smacking my head and NOSE on a wall this morning walking in the dark and throwing up right after I decided maybe I should take the day off. So I watched a 90's movie called Down to You with Julia Stiles and swear 90's movies are terrible. I really want to clean my room and re organize but i know half way through ill get bored and just quit and itll be messier than it was before....
I want a good book to read and think I may re read an old one by Nicholas Sparks that I liked. I really want to read eclipse but i can't get my hands on a copy and im too cheap to buy it, i wasted my money on stuff for the party on saturday, but it was well worth it :) I really want to be 18 so i can get one of my vices ha.
So im almost positive tomorrow is going to suck. I don't want it to suck but I also just don't want it to be just another day. I'd rather it be horrible then just another day.
I haven't had a diet pepsi all day and its killing me... but im too lazy to take a shower and get ready to go out and get one, plus 1.50 adds up lol
I want someone to come randomly see me and eat icecream with me :)
Half Bake Ben and Jerry's my favorite.
I really need to get on finding a job....bad.
I'm ready for May and snowcones and graduation and moving so bad.
I'm having terrible mood swings.
Still haven't felt anything,
and yesterday a friend told me... if youre searching to feel what you felt youre never gonna get it don't dissapoint your self, after some more of that conversation , he said that feeling is going to be real to you again only ten times better if you just wait.
I am NOT a patient person, and im almost happy if I just get the artificial feeling, even though I know I shouldn't... bleh im a mess.
I know how to fix the problem just can't stick to it.
Went a month strong and now im backpeddling.

not always the case.

So im sick of having a format for my blogging lol so im just winging it.
Im in this constant state of emotionlessness (if thats a word) for the past few days....
It like im crying just to cry, laughing just to laugh, smiling just to smile, and I don't think I mean any of it. I don't feel the satisfaction of being "good" but the thrill of being "bad" is gone to. Everyone in my life just seems to exist and no one really means anything to me, however at the same time I am so blessed with the people around me. I had a feeling this month was going to be hard, and in trying to fight it by being happy i feel like im ignoring what I really feel and by ignoring the emotions it makes it almost worse. I wish I could help people, give my life meaning. So people can be happy I exist, I want to know that people appreciate things I do. I guess thats it I feel unappreciated. Maybe thats it. I just really can't wait to move. I loved it in Missouri and since i've been back everything seems bad. I wish I could say everything I wanted to. I'm also making an observation that when im stressed or something my allergies are worse and my body kind of shuts down. I want to be busy, but nothing is filling my time. This time last year everything in my life was perfect. I thought I had the world in my hands. Its funny how one year can change things. It all started this week the change of my life. This week last year if erased could have prevented everything. I wonder if it would be any better without that in my past, or would it have been something else. I miss the good things. I remember when the good things out weighed the bad. But now its hard to even remember the good things. Everytime I overcome this issue, something happens that brings it all back. I know im better than this. Happy on the exterior isn't always the truth.

don't know why but im in love with this tree in my backyard :)


oh &&

this is in my new town :)
loved it the first time i saw it,
and can't wait to see it anytime i want!
makes me happy!

Fresh Air

THOUGHTS OF THE DAY:
So im trying to only focuss on the positive, and thank God for all the blessings he has given me!
Im truely sinking in his grace... Im currently asking why me? Why out of everyone he called me to be great, even though I continually dissapoint him in so many ways. Im trying to get through these last two months of school without any more regrets. There is only 11 more weeks till check out, and 12 till graduation. I never thought I would look forward to leaving high school so much. Its funny how things change. I was talking to someone from Junior High yesterday and he said something about how it wasn't that long ago, but to me four years seems so long. I have changed so much, I don't even know that girl anymore. My new focuss is making my self not feel blame for everything, I always get my self wrapped up in other peoples issues, cause im a fixer. I realize that God's the fixer, I can't do anything. Sometimes im way too nice. My new favorite thing is driving home from wasco, music blasting, and windows rolled down :) So refreshing and all is well :)

So I decided to do the 25 random things about me:
1. Im beyond emotional.
2. My best memories of high school I remember by the weather, mostly wind.
3. I wish chewing tobacco was acceptable for girls, and didn't rot your teeth.
4. I want to live a country song.
5. Wasco is the best and worst thing that happened to me.
6. Mary Baker is the only one out of all my friends who knows the real me.
7. I often scare my sister driving to school in the morning.
8. My parents are right more than I want to admit.
9. I have extremely high expectations that never get reached.
10. Im alot more tough than you think.
11. I only listen to music that I can relate to.
12. I have no patience.
13. I'm actually starting to enoy facebook.
14. I have a lazy eye, but don't ask to see it.
15. Im good at things, never great.
16. I will do anything for almost anyone.
17. I sweat like a guy.
18. I would really like to know why i'm so attracted to cowboys :)
19. Im the biggest poser there is.
20. I lie too much.
21. I live on junk food.
22. I'm always too good of a girlfriend.
23. I make friends easy, keeping them is where i struggle.
24. I really want to record at least one of my songs and have it play on the radio, or give it to the person it is about.
25. I try to fit in too much.

MUSIC:
LADY ANTEBELLUM; kind in love <3

SONG OF THE DAY:
I Run To You by. Lady Antebellum.
so i never listen to anything that doesn't relate to me, but i think if you change a few lines in this song it could totally be about a relationship with God. "When lies become the truth, thats when I run to you." This line is how I totally feel about me and God right now. I'm running to him.

CRAVINGS:
My trip next week :)
Fresh air.
Baseball season.
Big pickles and sno cones :)
People to see Jesus in me.
My tattoo.
Hanging out with Mary and Melissa.

happy baby :)

THOUGHTS FOR TODAY:





I love spontanaity :D You know it is everyday you get the urge to cut your hair in class and ditch with a friend who ends up cutting it for you :) Britt did a really good job, and glad i let go of my growing out buisness lol Its so amazing how happy you can be when your consience is clear. I just feel so renewed and refreshed! Lasts night church service was absolutely amazing and am so glad i'm making it a habit to go :) The song Oh how he loves us ministers to me so so much. "If grace is an ocean im sinking in it," that line gets me everytime along with "I don't have to dwell on these regrets when I think about his love." ahhh so so good :) Im on the four day mark with no addiction :) I have faith in my self and trust in the Lord that its totally going to be possible to overcome forever! Thankfully, my back is getting better slowly but surely, can't wait till all the pain is gone!





To make everything perfect I want someone to deliver me a boquet of these:

oh so pretty and happy :)

SONG OF THE DAY:
Oh How He Loves Us by Jesus Culture :)

CRAVINGS:
A photo shoot
Boquet of Gerber Daisies
Acrilic nails (too bad I play gutiar)
My tattoo
Belly button peircing
SUMMER
College <3

i wish i didn't have a heart.

THOUGHTS OF THE DAY:
My name is Hillarie Hypocrite Hight, I swear. It completely blows when you know your lifestyle sucks and youre not doing anything about it. Im living to survive for today, not survive for enternity. Im completely lost right now. Im becoming someone I hate. I don't know how to start fixing everything. I know God is missing, but giving up everything is so hard. Its times like this when I wish I was a nerd still and have no friends. My relationship with God was so on fire, and I accepted every calling on my life. Im currently ignoring everything. I know where Im going to college is the right thing to do, and can't wait till I go. These past two weeks have been a disaster... can't get out of it.
Im really happy Im going to youth group again, last night I needed so much. This whole process is going to be long and hard, and Im not ready for the pain. There is this song a friend showed me today called Tin Man by Kenny Chesney and right now I really wish I didn't have a heart. My scars are open wounds again. Im not very good at keeping them covered. Last night my uncle told me to stop thinking of the past....but its hard when my past is my present. I hate having this addiction. HATE IT.

MUSIC:
Everything I listen to affects me. EVERYTHING.

SONG OF THE DAY:
Tin Man by Kenny Chesney

CRAVINGS:
Peace
Graduation
The trip to missouri to register
To curl up in a ball and not talk to ANYONE
To feel something good, thats healthy
Contentment

change of senery.

THOUGHTS OF THE DAY:
So this weekend has been really wierd. I haven't been this stupid in along long time. The consequences to every action of mine are ridiculous. It seems like my punishments are ten times worse than everyone elses, probably because im so convicted, which is good, but it makes me have a headache!!! Yea the weekend was fun, slept a whole heck of alot but now im sick :(
Really need high schoool to be over. There are some relationships that I really wish I could just get rid of, but am protecting till graduation, just for the sake of an easier three months. Im so glad my car is now working properly and that will let me have a break from some of my restraints. Start working again tomorrow and im really happy, I need the cash flow.
I hate that im the type of person that can't just be content. I have some good friends, but the closer I get to them, the more and more annoyed I get with there habits. I never thought I would have commintment issues but I do. I rush into commintment like its nothing and give up my all, then half way into it I realize that I can't handle it and then do something dumb. Im really trying to prevent doing something else dumb, cause I need the friendships for now. This sounds completely horible but its the honest truth. After these three months are over I can focuss alot better. I won't have to be fake to anyone like im currently being. There are only about a handful of people im not fake to or something other than I really am, and none of them are at school. I skew a little bit of me to make relationships work, and it always backfires. ALWAYS.

SONG OF THE DAY:
Thinking of You by Katy Perry

CRAVINGS:
Get through New Moon
For frankenstien to dissapear
My sinus infection to go away
High School to be overrrrrrrr
College life
New setting

A little something exciting...

THOUGHTS FOR THE DAY:
I got my license today :) But ofcourse since its me there was a huge roadblock!!! My car didn't start this morning so I took the test in my mom's car which i hate!!!! Ofcourse when I got back my car magically started! So I drove to Russo's to get a Almanac so I wouldn't have to lose the 20 points for missing block day in Mr. Russell's class. So finally I have some independence :) I have some places that have been long overdue to visit.
These past few weeks i've had so much motivation to be a good student again, and its going away. I know the reason why, and I hate it. Learning to be alone and be my own self motivator is really hard. I need a constant boost. I'm so glad that I finally can start faithfully going to youth group starting this next Tuesday. I need to feel something anything. God has a plan for me and I need to seek it. These words are so easy to say and type, but are so hard to follow. I have so many scars on my heart and just need them to be erased.
The words to songs aren't coming to me. I just want something thats going to relieve stress, a good song does that for me. My prayers seem so unanswered lately. I don't handle silence very well. The Lord is my Strength and my Song, both are no where right now. It'll all work out im sure.
There is a song by casting crowns that is called prayer for a friend, and the lyrics keep running through my head... My life is out of my hands I realize but its hard to wake up and trust in that.

MUSIC:
Need some lyrics.

SONG OF THE DAY:
Don't have one :(

CRAVINGS:
Breathing country air
A reliable car!!!
Graduation
Contentment

So much for that...

THOUGHTS OF THE DAY:
I can't seem to get on here and write as much as I would like: but here's my thoughts for this last week. I have had the worst Senioritis imaginable and can't seem to make it go away. Snowball was alot of fun and im glad I got to share with people that mean so much to me. I love to dance and really wish i could have a dance every weekend. However, amongst all the excitement im in a rut again. Just when I think everything is going good it crashes. I have two weeks of complete happiness and then something wrong happens. I don't understand it. I hate crying and I thought i was over it, but i've been upset all day today and yesterday. There is some target on my heart that won't go away. I need God to rescue me so bad. I'm really sick of my emotional rollercoaster ride. I decided not to swim this year, and as much as its killing me I think its going to be the right decision...I can only put my heart through so much. Last years season was awesome, but this year is not going to be the same at all, and I think the let down of that would crush me. Right now im trying to think God has my life under control, but I don't feel him. I need closure. I've been trying to fill my life with everything to get rid of this hole. I'm so worried that these last few weeks have been in vain. I need a constant friend who is there for me, I can't just go day to day by myself. Being alone scares me so much. I had something that fixed that, and now im scared even the friendship is gone. I liked the challenge I got the thrill of it all, even minus the romance or whatever. Friendships mean everything to me, I don't want to lose this one again. I need more strength then ever right now if i'm gonna make it, and alot of encouragement.

MUSIC:
I need to listen to more positive music,
and I need to write.

SONG OF THE DAY:
Always by. Hillsong

CRAVINGS:
My eyes to stop itching
License (which i hopefully will have Wednesday)
The country
The presence of God in my life
AP lit to die
Missouri and a new start
Summer weather
Graduation

Long time no blog!

THOUGHTS OF THE DAY:
So i havent written anything in a long while, not because i haven't wanted to but everytime i get on something interupts... Anyways so I have had a really good two weeks, truely happy and content. Im truely learing who my friends are. Its funny however, that although these two weeks have been utterly amazing, today ive seemed to find myself in this rut. Smiling has become so normal to me but today i can't seem to keep one on my face. Ive felt really disconnected with my friends this weekend like i dunno somethings wrong, yet i don't think any of them feel that way. I know its just something negative that Satan is trying to get me to dwell on, so im really trying to get over it. I found my snowball shoes yesterday, finally!!!! It was quite a challenge!!! Im so so so looking forward to this upcoming Saturday, im so glad im going with Russ, its seriously going to be a blast :) Haha speaking of Russ, he seriously has been keeping me on my toes and making me want to be smarter than I am. Today I got out trivial pursuit cards and just started memorizing them lol how lame!!! I really have a lot to thank him for lately. He has totally been a reason for all these good moods of mine and has continually made me laugh and get my life back on track, constantly encouraging! Even though he makes fun of me constantly its okay haha it makes life funny...and i swear one of these days ill be able to play volleyball without looking like a complete idiot!!! I hope this week is good, and that my happiness continues to remain, and that I get out of this little slump im in!

MUSIC:
A little bit of everything lately, honestly haven't had time to sit down and really listen.

SONG OF THE DAY:
Enough by. Barlow Girl

CRAVINGS:
Snowball
Consistent work
Graduation
Laughing
One of those hugs <3
Goodmorning beautiful among other things
Contentment (which is getting there)

Craving nothing.

THOUGHTS OF THE DAY:
Wow this week has been so wierd, like i really don't know how to feel about everything. I ended every form of contact with something that ive been constantly dwelling on for the past couple months, and honestly i feel such a burden releaved. I have really mixed emotions about it, but it was just time to go and move on with life. I have an awesome oppurtunity to start something so good, and finish something that never really got a chance to get started. My heart hurts for the past,not me but him, but reality is reality. I hope and pray for the best, but God has better plans for me, im worth way more! I really want to get my relationship with God back on track, i don't want to hide anything anymore im tired of that feeling. I'm crying for absolutely no reason right now other than the fact that im shedding every last tear i have for the past, its time. WOW. Im growing up. Crazy. I'm going to need tons of support but i know i can do it. Thanks for making me realize that (HIYA) you don't know how much it means to me!

MUSIC:
Reorganizing the current playlist!

SONG OF THE DAY:
Best Days of Your Life by. Kellie Pickler

CRAVINGS:

Nothing :)
I'm content.

Maybe a movie ;)

Over all good :)

THOUGHTS FOR THE DAY:
Wow its been along time since ive blogged :) Well i am currently the happiest ive been in a while. I have seemed to accept the cold reality that some things are just not meant to be, however i dont know if im ready to completely let go. Im so happy that i have a date to snowball :) and im very happy at who it is! Thanks Russ :D I need to find shoes badly and just havent had time! I start my class at BC next week hopefully i get an A this class too, but I think it might be a little more tough. Swim starts Febuary 2nd and im totally pumped but have a feeling its not going to be as fun as last year. All the boys are gone and its not going to be the same. The new freshman i think are going to be fun and i hope i can be a senior that they will remember when they swim the rest of high school, just like how i remember all mine!
Ive been really thinking how funny time is. My aunt told me that time is a healer, but also a revealer. That statement is so true and im seeing that more and more each day! Most of the broken relationships that i have had in the past year have been slowly fixing themselves and the peices of my life are slowly beginning to make sense.
My sister is turning 16 on sunday and it makes me sad. It seems just like yesterday i was planning my sweet 16 and i was still as innocent as she is. After 16 my life slowly started to change and now that im almost 18 im a completely different person! It makes me sad that im not going to be able to be with my sister to see her go through the same changes i did. I hope that she learns from my mistakes and stays strong! Shes a great girl and I really hope she doesn't lower herself like i did.

MUSIC:
Still on a freaking Jessica Simpson kick. I love her new stuff!!

SONG(s) OF THE DAY:
Still Don't Stop Me
When I Loved You Like That
Sipping on History
ALL BY JESSICA SIMPSON :D

CRAVINGS:
The goodbye to be sooner
Shopping
A hug that means something
A goodmorning beautiful
MAY!
New song lyrics
Silver boots ha!

accepted and happy :)

THOUGHTS OF THE DAY:
Well today was altogether pretty sinking boring, however i got my acceptance letter to SEMO!!! I am so happy, and it is all becoming a huge reality. Its going to be so good to just leave and get a whole new start! I totally think this is what God wants me to do. Honestly im a little nervous about whats to come, but i know itll be right. Im so glad that I have been talking to an old friend :) its so nice really i needed it. Ive almost got my mind off being sad at all about my past and just looking at it as something amazing in my life. I can't live in the past, but i still crave it. I want it all over again and ten times better. Hopefully that will happen in Missouri. I wonder if the people that i miss and think about all the time even spend 1/8th of their time thinking about me. I invest so much in people, and not alot of people invest in me. I want to effect peoples life in a huge way, just how my life has been effected by them. I wish someone would tell me that ive changed them. That would be awesome to me.

MUSIC:
I only have four bucks left on my itunes credit :/

SONG OF THE DAY:
Cheater Cheater by. Joey + Rory
finally found it :)

CRAVINGS:
Russell's pasta party
Swim season this year
Swim season last year even more!
March 17th, 2008... even though that is twindeling, which makes me sad
Hang out with old friends
August!!
A redneck :)
Change
A hug and kiss.

ill take the good with the bad.

THOUGHTS FOR THE DAY:
So today started out bleh. Today was supposed to be fantastic, but hey whatever over the screwy outcome with the supposed situation that was supposed to occur January 9th. I had a really good talk with one of my friends which got a huge load off my back! The day ended great with a starbucks run with the girls and haley making a house a home in albertsons :)

I decided that I can't dwell on the upsets in my day, it just makes things worse. However, I have been asking myself what if all day... but hey everything happens for a reason i guess?? At least i haven't already had the best days of my life...as kellie pickler would say.

MUSIC:
So Jessica Simpson's new country cd is really good, totally feeling most of the songs.
Me and my sister are supposed to record either this sunday or next sunday :) pretty excited for that!

SONG OF THE DAY:
Still Don't Stop Me by Jessica Simpson

CRAVINGS:
FREAKIN LUNCH WITH RUSSELL!!!
License
Car to be fixed
My own love story
March 17th, 2008
An old Ford ha
Old friends acting like nothing ever happend
A warm wind
A trip to our place
Goodnight beautiful
A date for snowball...ugggghhhh.

need peace.

THOUGHTS OF THE DAY:
I made cupcakes and frosting from scratch today lol that was fun...I got so stinking sick!! I cleaned my room, well picked it up, and started reading the book due tomorrow for AP lit Metamorphis, which is horible and really dont want to finish. I would rather be finishing Love finds you in Miracle Kentucky :) I'm really sick of inconsistent people. I'm also getting extremelly tired of myself and where im at in my life...I know what will help me but I can't let go of the one thing keeping me from it yet (how awful is that). I found my Snowball dress its blue and silver and its "sweet" as my mom says, as in cute not awesome lol. Im so dreading school tomorrow, although Im super excited to see my girls and go to Hoyetts. One semester left!

MUSIC:
My iTunes refuses to burn a cd right and its so frustrating!

SONG OF THE DAY:
One Last Time by. Kellie Pickler

CRAVINGS:
Life to start
A stick of relaxation ha.
Hoyetts
The last time to be sooner so I can focuss...
License
My car to be fixed
A conversation that makes my heart skip a beat
Old friends
Ceramics last year ha.
New song lyrics
Peace inside

sick and tired

THOUGHTS OF THE DAY:
Im extremely happy to be home! Eight days is too long to be gone...especially camping. I had fun the first few days then it got really boring. I have totally come to the conclusion my family is totally tempermental and it bugs me so bad. I hate being bored absolutely hate it. I really need to spend my gift cards, hopefully I can tomorrow... Starting monday I only have one semester of high school left and im not scared of the future one bit. I want it to happen already. Im sick of making dumb choices and being stereotyped. I really think when people stereotype you into a category it makes you more suseptable to find yourself there, and i really hate that.

MUSIC:
Ellie got me a itunes card and im thankful :D

SONG OF THE DAY:
Hurt A Lot Worse When You Go by Toby Keith

CRAVINGS:
A good tan
Life to begin
Good food
A long walk
Graduation
My friends!!!!!
Hoyetts and everything that comes with it (including all my memories)
The old truck
March 17
An ending